Been there, done that

First let me apologize for not keeping up with my blog.  According to the doctor I am ‘deeply depressed’ but for a few minutes I’m going to pretend like I’m not…if there is such a thing.

Over 30 of the summers that I was married, I worked.  On my days off I spent blissful hours with my son.  Looking back I wish that I had waited until he was grown to work during the summers, but that wasn’t my decision.  Let me celebrate the summers that I didn’t work…. 

I used to watch TV (soap operas before CourtTV started) and I had a routine.  Every other commercial I would get up and clean.  I usually didn’t tackle large jobs until the afternoons, but the small places were spotless.  I’m one of those people who has to make deals with myself like that.  My students look at me like I have 5 noses when I suggest that they do that to equal out their homework/video game time.  A few come back later and admit that it worked for them.

Enter the DVR.  When there is a commercial on CourtTV (I know…it’s TruTV, whatever) I just switch over to the recording of The Colbert Report.  No commercial = no cleaning.  Now all of you non-understanders, don’t bother to tell me to just get up off of my fat ass and do it.  It doesn’t work that way in my mind.

Wait a minute….Bernie Madoff was just sentenced…off to CourtTV!

I fully understand that when men’s hair growth slows down on their heads that it speeds up on other parts of their bodies.  What I don’t understand is why, if they are so concerned about going bald, aren’t they just as concerned about trimming the hair that is poking out of their noses?  They stand in front of the mirror and try different ways to comb their hair so that they don’t appear to be balding.  Can’t they SEE the curly black things hanging out of their nostrils?  I mean they are right there.  They are as plain as, well, the nose on their face.

I don’t advocate pulling the nose hairs out.  Once I blew my nose and apparently some boogers got stuck to a hair.  I hollered when that hair came out.  It hurts!  However if I went to wipe my mouth with my napkin and caught my protruding nose hairs instead, I believe that I would trim them.  Doesn’t it tickle when you touch them?  Why do you think that women should be shaving from asshole to appetite when you can’t take the time to trim the pube-looking hairs that are growing out of your nose?

Don’t even get me started about ear hair!  No wonder you can’t hear a damn thing that I am saying.

I know that there are ways to eliminate panty lines without wearing thong unders, but men just seem to find them so sexy.  My formative years (Wonder Bread commercial) were all spent in the water.  In those glorious years before this big butt popped out all around I was skin and bones.  All of these things put together caused me to waste many a moment of play time by having to pick my bathing suit out of my butt crack.  You girls know what I’m talking about.  Quit playing coy.  Now the trend is to NOT pick panties out of your butt crack, but to shove them right up it.  I can’t be the only one who let this particular band wagon pass them by.  Why else would Hanes make panties that are guaranteed to ‘not ride up’?

Why am I even thinking about all of this nonsense?  Well most of you know that I am experimenting with this dating thing.  They tell me that somebody down the line is eventually going to see me in my underwear again.  ‘They’ also advise me the white cotton bloomers are not the new lacy thong.  Maybe if that day ever comes I’ll be able to skip the ‘let’s look at each other in our undies’ stage.  I do, after all, have perfect legs.  You know…feet on one end and a gold mine on the other!

I got the pure joy of visiting my high school BFF (I think we invented that term.  Yes, we did.  Shut up, you did not invent it!) this weekend.  We can go a year or years without seeing each other, and pick right up where we left off.  She is beautiful and will always be 16 in my eyes.  She took me to the places where she and her husband went to college and where they first lived.  I could picture their cute-coupleness in all of those places.  She is truly a delightful person and I’m proud to have her as a friend.

My son and daughter-in-law were attending a wedding in NC and they let me tag along.  They dropped me off in SC at Debby’s house.  Actually we all spent the first night there.  When the kids left we had time to look back on the ‘mother’ part of our lives.  Debby has three really super kids.  If you read this blog, you already know how I feel about my son.  The raising kids part of your lives really does fly by, and I was blessed to have somebody to share it with.  Our kids are all successful, hard-working, and may I say, good-looking adults.  The relationship between the adult children and their mothers is not without the ’stepping on your hearts’ parts either, though.  Fathers get a bye on this one, and it’s just not fair.  Debby’s extremely sweet middle child was not too sweet with the things that she said to her mother when we were together.  My son didn’t hesitate to let me know that I had criticized his driving “all of the way there.”  (By criticizing his driving he meant that my GPS suggested a way to get to SC that would have saved us an hour.  At midnight when someone is waiting up for you, that is pretty important.)    I never mentioned the way that he was driving a single time.  I know that he discussed how terrible I had been with his wife because she snickered when he told me about how terrible I had been. (Repeated for emphasis.)  Neither one of these kids would have EVER spoken to their fathers like that.  Where were these fathers when said children had waste coming out of both ends of their bodies?  I guess that being a mother really is a thankless job.  I just didn’t know that it was thankless forever.

I hereby apologize for any and all things that I may or may not have said to my mother after I was grown.  I hardly spoke to her when I was growing up, so that doesn’t count.  In my next life I want to be a father.  One night of pleasure leads to a lifetime of adoration, compliments, and well…pleasure.

There’s a reason that old people dating seems weird….it is.  I had dinner with a really nice guy from Canada tonight.   I rode my scooter up a sorta big highway at night because he was riding his Harley.  I was trying to impress somebody that I had never seen before.  Does that urge ever die?  I pulled up to the restaurant at exactly the agreed upon time.  I looked around for any motorcycles, didn’t see any, and figured that somebody had told him about me and that he had not shown up.  I told the lady at the door that I was waiting for somebody.  She looked at my motorcycle jacket (It’s hot pink and adorable) and looked at me like I had enormous zits all over my face.  I sat at the bar and started to order when I noticed the neon sign next door that had the name of the restaurant where I was supposed to be.  Who puts two steakhouses right next to each other???

The gentleman paid for dinner (even though I offered) and asked all of the right questions. If he said “Ehh?” (or however you spell that Canada thing) one more time I was going to scream.  I know it’s not as bad as someone saying, “You know what I mean?” which drives me freaking crazy too.  I wanted the waitress to hurry up and bring my steak so that I eat some and then box it up for Daddy so that I didn’t have to cook the next night.  The food was wonderful.  The wine was tasty.  I agreed to go to the movies with him on Saturday night.  So help me if he says “Ehh?”  one time during the movie I’m going to hit him with some popcorn.

Edit:  I will probably always ‘google‘ someone before I agree to go out with them.  I just ‘googled’ myself.  This blog is the first thing that came up.  I will no longer mention anything about any present or future date that I might have.  In case I forget….umm, dude, I was only kidding.

I signed up at Match.com, and I’ve sent and received a few emails.  I’ve got to tell you that this is some scary shit, I mean ’stuff’ if my students have found this website.

I’m going to Panera Bread to meet one of the nicer sounding ones tomorrow at lunchtime.  I’m amazed at how many responses I have gotten.  Are there really that many desperate men out there?  Has anybody tried this?

I’ll leave you today with a quote from one dudes profile:

i like to go ouy for aride in the county side amd see the open land ,i like them park flea markets arts and craft shows dinning beach stocking car races and jut about anything else

I’m very excited at the prospect of going to a stocking car race!

I made it through my first Christmas in 36 years as a single woman.  It was full of anti-stress.  Why did I dread that?  I can make it throught 36 more of those!  There are days when it rocks being me.

Ok, so I don’t know what that means either!  I had a great time at Emily’s for Thanksgiving.  It was nice to be with a family when I was missing mine so.  I developed a bit of a cough  that morning.  Coughs before sniffles scare me since I had double pneumonia twice last March.  Luckily I found the extra-strong-knock-all-of-that-bad-stuff-out-of-you antibiotic that I had refilled last year “just in case.” 

Poor Dana had to listen to me cough all of the way through my second time watching Twilight which was nowhere near as bad as listening to the girls behind us laughing through the whole movie.  Yes, they even laughed when Edward turned into Diamond Man when he got in the sun.  Dumb girls.  That’s the part where you are supposed to swoon.  (I don’t know what that word means, but I think that I did it when I saw that scene.)

Wonderman came over today to show me how to take care of the pool again.  The first time that he told me I was still in uber-shock.  OK divorced people….Do you ever stop loving the ex?  Don’t get me wrong.  He burned too many bridges for me to want him back.  I just don’t see how I will ever stop loving him.  HELP!

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account 

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached [spider.gif]

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Who’s spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Who’s spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thank you for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, travelling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Who’s spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb omission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Who’s spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Who’s spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Who’s spider is that?

Attached [spider2.gif]

I know that the people calling me need to hear that I’m doing OK.  I really do.  It’s just sometimes I can’t bring myself to answer the phone.  I don’t want to have to answer honestly when people ask me how I am.  If I’m having a good moment, I answer the phone.  These people love me, and they deserve to hear my voice, I just don’t want to take them down this spiraling well with me.

I’m a counselor/therapy dropout, again.  I had an appointment last night with the super-best therapist at the center.  She told me that the deepest hurt is a divorce when one person still loves the other one.  This I know.  She told me that Wonderman should have talked to me about his plans instead of being sneaky about them.  This I know.  She told me that he wasn’t being fair to me by just deserting me and telling me that I wasn’t allowed to talk to him.  This I (you get the picture.)  All of that has been in my mind for six weeks now.

During 7th period today, I had a student not paying attention to my very exciting way of teaching scientific notation.  I said, “Juan, you need to look up here when I am explaining something.  I know I’m ugly…”  Before I could tell him that he needed to look up any way, one of my girl students yelled, “That’s why your husband dumped you.”  I love teaching.  I’m sure that if I mentioned it to the girl’s mother she would tell me that her angel was only expressing an opinion.  My hard-earned tax dollars are being spent so that this mother can sit at home and fill her daughter’s head with this nonsense.  And you wonder why I’m a Republican.

Even though I had vowed to not contact Wonderman this week, my lawyer’s office told me that the quit claim deed for him to sign the house over to me would be ready on December 11th.  The law office is only 1/2 block from the courthouse.  Wonderman wants to know if he can sign the papers in the town where he works.  That probably means that he has no plans to show up at the first experience that I have ever had in a courthouse.  He, the one who wants and demands this divorce, will not be at the final hearing.  Great.  I have hidden all of the rugs in my house.  I don’t want another one being pulled out from under me.

I promise I’ll call you guys back.  I just need one day that doesn’t include crap like this for me to be able to make the calls.